Attack of the Orthodox Karens

kids in church

For many Orthodox Christians, attending Divine Liturgy has been a difficult experience in the Age of Covid. Assuming you live in a place where Church is even legal, and depending on the guidance of your Bishop, each Sunday usually means dealing with some combination of the multiple spoon issue (Canada and some OCA parishes), mandatory masks for toddlers and up, social distancing, restricted attendance, temperature checks, sign up sheets for liturgy, sign in sheets for attendance (contact tracing), cancelled activities (coffee hour, classes, catechism), and suspension of many cherished liturgical practices (kissing icons, lighting candles, altar servers, kissing the priest’s hand, etc.)

Evidently going to Church is so dangerous, we should probably all skip it and just meet for Bible study over Mimosas and brunch. After all if it saves just one life… But seriously, this message of fear has obviously repelled a lot of Orthodox Faithful, as is clearly seen by the poor attendance at Divine Liturgy in many parishes.

Priests seem to be sensing they have a problem, but with their hands tied by oblivious bishops, they seem to be floundering for what to do as is evidenced by this email from an OCA priest that a reader forwarded to us:

We have been very diligent about enforcing Covid policies, but this has led to some uncomfortable confrontations. Some of our members feel like they are being watched at church, and parish council members have been put in difficult situations because there is a lot of pressure on them to enforce the rules. I am thankful for those who have helped with this up to now. It is not an easy job.

Going forward, parish council members and parishioners should not enforce Covid policies at church. I will follow up with people myself if necessary. It is important to me that people feel safe so please continue to wear your masks. There is always room for improvement, but on the whole we are doing a great job.

You will not be required to sign in when you get to church. If there is a possible Covid exposure, everyone will be notified by email. I hope this will help us create a more welcoming and friendly environment. The past six months have really taken a toll on our parish community. I challenge everyone to be more welcoming and friendly. Be humble and understanding. Think of others before yourself. Greet new people and visitors. Stay for coffee hour fellowship and help rebuild the family atmosphere that we used to have.

In addition to forwarding the letter, the parishioner also provided some background on what it meant to feel like she was “being watched” at Church. Parishioners confronted parents and demanded that young children be removed during liturgy because they had violated social distancing and/or pulled down their masks. Several parishioners have health problems that make them short of breath when wearing masks. If they pulled their masks down under their nose, or tried to move around the Church to find a seat (OCA – no pews), they would be confronted over their violations of social distancing and mask wearing.  Do not even dare to greet a fellow Christian or try to carry on a conversation. Need a hug? Don’t even think about it!

No Eucharist for you

Stand on the marked spot! Do not approach others! When it is your time, come forward for communion, receive, go back to your spot expeditiously! When dismissed, move to your car, avoid contact, be safe!

Can you imagine putting your kids through that once a week? Or even yourself? It seems not many people can, because the parishioner who forwarded us this email said that attendance on a Sunday morning reminded her of a Joe Biden rally.

So the priest realizes that the Gestapo atmosphere is ruining his parish, but he is actually powerless to change any of the rules. So he has written this email to ask the Orthodox Karens to please stop harassing others. Instead, they can now shoot them dirty looks, then complain to him after Divine Liturgy. At which point, he will go harass them and make them regret that they didn’t sleep in that morning.

We were also told that the trolling and judgement at this parish are not even confined to the Divine Liturgy. Evidently the priest was pictured on social media attending a family event without …. a mask! One of his parish Karens saw this and actually reported him to the Bishop. Instead of laughing profusely and asking the Karen to pray for God to give him an actual life, the bishop severely chastised the wayward priest over his failure to completely adhere to the rubrics of the Divine New Normal. Evidently that is just one incident of social media fratricide at this parish. Wasn’t there some Orthodox principle or other about not judging others, seeing to your own salvation…you know, something like that? I guess that was so 2019.

But we have to admit, this part of the email was the epitome of dark comedy: “I hope this will help us create a more welcoming and friendly environment. The past six months have really taken a toll on our parish community. I challenge everyone to be more welcoming and friendly. Be humble and understanding. Think of others before yourself. Greet new people and visitors.”

The Bishop sets forth policies that treat each person at Divine Liturgy as an infectious germ-bag from which you have to keep your distance. You must wear a mask, which covers half your face and prevents you from even smiling at anyone. We are in so much danger in Church that we can’t even kiss the icons but…. be friendly and welcoming to the new sources of contagion who have shown up to kill you!

Also amusing is that this parish has recently restarted in-person coffee hour. The priest is really encouraging everyone to stay and fellowship. In the Divine Liturgy, you are required to wear a mask while maintaining rigid social distancing.  But in the social hall you can take off your mask and hang out with just anyone at a table for coffee and conversation? You are going to sit casually across the table from people that you, minutes before, were risking your life to stand next to in Church? Does the coffee neutralize the virus or something?

Christ warned us that a world that would crucify Him, would hardly embrace us: If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first (John 15:18). As Orthodox Christians, we expect to be pilloried by those who reject Christ and the Church. The walls of the Church are covered in icons of martyrs, and the stories of our saints bear witness that being Christian has historically been one of the most dangerous things a person could be.

What Covid has exposed, however, is that there is just as much danger within the Church as there is outside it. And many of us weren’t ready for that revelation. Orthodox Christians we have known for years have become people we hardly recognize over a virus with a 99.98% survival rate. God help us when real persecution starts.

We know several families from this priest’s parish who are attending Divine Liturgy on Sundays with us at a Western Rite parish in a nearby county. There are way fewer Covid rules, and no masks required. These families are constantly being asked by others in their old parish what they are up to on Sundays. By and large, they are not telling anyone where they are attending church. Why? Because they are afraid that the Karens will find out and mount an attack on the priest and the Bishop.  They are terrified that fellow Orthodox Christians will ruin their new parish the same as they ruined their old one.

Not all parishes are going to survive Covid. Maybe not even all of our Orthodox jurisdictions. In fact, we may find ourselves with a much higher-level of Orthodox unity out of sheer poverty and desperation. God does work in mysterious and unexpected ways, after all. As one of our contributors wrote, we are in the middle of a great reset on more than one level. But there will be parishes that not only survive, but thrive. Those will be parishes that teach and practice the authentic Christian Faith. And they will also be Karen-free zones.

Nicholas, member Greek Archdiocese of America but hiding from Karen at an Antiochian parish until 15 days to flatten the curve ends or Christ returns, whichever comes first

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