To Prevent Death, Please Stop Living

An Orthodox Physician Contemplates the Fear of Death and

Dying During the Public Health Measures for Covid-19

My parents, ages 89 and 90, stood together on the front porch like perplexed children, their quiet bewilderment in sharp contrast to my vociferous, animated rebukes for doing their own grocery shopping during a pandemic, rather than relying on me. As we stood there two meters apart, my mother, whose cognitive decline had become a little worse of late, surprised me with a teaching moment.

“But, what’s the difference if I die now or later?” she innocently asked.

I looked at her in astonishment. My medical training had taught me to provide patient centered care, and I, in turn, taught this to my medical learners.  My 30 plus years of experience with the elderly repeatedly confirmed that in their twilight years, they value and choose quality of life over a longer life—hands down. If they have to jump through inconvenient, uncomfortable or time-consuming hoops to extend their time here on earth, they would much rather experience no hoops at all followed by a speedy death. Under no circumstances are they willing to stop living to the fullest, even if it means dying sooner. Ironically, this is exactly what the public health measures have been asking us all to do, especially the elderly.

Only if I can convince my elderly patients that the intervention would improve their quality of life and not necessarily just prolong it, only then are they on board. This should not be surprising to a physician who is familiar with palliative care, for these same principles also apply there. At the end of life, almost all patients prefer a more comfortable and earlier demise to a difficult and drawn-out dying process, just to stay alive a little longer. Their loving families also want the same and there are very few exceptions.

Therefore, it should have come as no surprise to me that my mother (and father) were no different. They knew they were very blessed to still be living independently in their early nineties, in their bungalow of 52 years, and they greatly valued keeping it that way for as long as possible. Giving up independent grocery shopping meant giving up freedom. To them, a pandemic was no worse (in fact, it was much better) than WWII fighter planes dropping bombs in the city where they both grew up. Life still went on, and so did living.

“But,” I continued, “what if you get very sick and end up in the hospital? We will not be able to visit you. You will be all alone, and if you died, you would die alone.”

“Everyone dies alone,” my mother chuckled, as though it were common knowledge. “No one shares their death with anyone else.”

Deep down, I also knew this to be true. Sharing death is not like sharing a sandwich that you can just cut in half. When I reflect on mass murders, mass executions, mass deaths in wars or accidents, isn’t everyone’s dying experience their own? When the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, everyone who died, did so at virtually the same instant, but they all died individually, on their own, alone, even if they were in a crowd. Isn’t it for that reason that we have the expression, being alone in a crowd?

When I was learning to swim in my middle age, my daughter helped me overcome my fear of jumping into the deep end of the pool by doing it with me. We held hands and jumped. We shared the jump. One could say the experience was the same. It may have looked the same but it was not. I was frightened and she was not. It was my first time, but not hers. After the jump, our hands separated in the water so that we could both resurface. We came back up individually, having experienced the same physics and the same water at the same place and time, but with entirely different expectations, different emotions, different reactions and different thoughts. We did the same thing together, but we did not have the same experience.

Every death is different as well, both for the departing and those left behind, and some are harder than others.

In my experience, the dying often report visions of their parents or other loved ones who have died before them, looking happy or radiant. Sometimes the visions are heavenly and sometimes demonic. Relatives often tell me their dying loved one stares into the distance, seemingly oblivious to what may be happening around them. Secular medicine calls these experiences hallucinations. I believe they are a foretaste of the final destination of the soul. It is the demonic visions that I find troubling, and the dying process tends to be harder when this is the case. If the family is religious, I recommend a visit from a spiritual care provider. If they are Orthodox, I encourage Holy Confession and Communion with a priest. I do this regardless, but especially when there are unpleasant experiences during the dying process.

I have also witnessed other types of difficult or uneasy deaths—people “hanging on to their last breath” as it were—until their loved ones could finally reassure them with words like, “it’s OK, we will be fine, you can go now,” and immediately, they go. Were they hanging on because they feared their death would cause their loved ones too much pain? I believe so because as soon as the loved ones speak those reassuring words, the death is almost instantaneous.

Christ at chaliceThis was not the case, however, with one Orthodox gentleman whose wife and family had already spoken those reassuring words. He was palliatively hospitalized, at the end of his life, and although all his medical test results indicated he should have died already, his soul struggled to depart for days. When I suggested Holy Communion, I discovered that the dying man had not confessed or communed in decades because of his transplant. His anti-rejection drugs chronically compromised his immune system, and he was afraid of catching an infection from the Communion Spoon. His wife had grown accustomed to this and found herself so caught up in her husband’s medical struggles, that she did not even think about calling a priest. As soon as he received Holy Communion, he relaxed and breathed his last. His soul could not depart without it. I was not there to witness it, but his grateful wife could not stop talking about it. For me this is just one more example of the great love and mercy of our Saviour, who does everything He can without interfering with our freedom, gifting us with every possible opportunity, even in our last moments, to bring us Home to Him.

It is debatable whether or not the dying individual who is unresponsive is aware of the presence of others or can hear or understand what is being said. In the movies, we usually see death as a result of war, a crime, or an accident, and the dying person on the screen, who was full of life and vigor moments before, is still able to communicate until their last breath. In reality, however, most people die of a disease or illness. In these instances, death is either very sudden, as in a cardiac arrest, and the dying individual has next to no opportunity for any form of expression; or death is prolonged, as in a death due to cancer. In the latter instance, the one dying is still unable to respond towards the very end, in effect, creating a type of “aloneness,” even if they are surrounded by others.

Even in this state of unresponsive “aloneness,” some people still seem to prefer dying alone. Countless times, I have provided grief counseling to those who lost a family member because, despite their best efforts, they were not at the bedside at the precise time of death. People feel so guilty over that bathroom break, that drink of water, that snack, that phone call or that nap they decided to take, only to return moments later, having just missed the death of their loved one. Despite the countless hours of exhausting vigilance, “I was not there,” they mourn.

This has occurred so often in my palliative care experience, that when death is near, I now counsel family members to expect their loved one to die when they are not around. For some reason, the dying often seem to prefer it that way, perhaps to avoid experiencing any drama during their departure or perhaps to make it easier on their loved ones. I have often heard the older generation commenting on how important it is to not make a fuss at the bedside of the dying because this makes it difficult for the soul to depart peacefully. “It’s not good for the soul,” they would say, “to wail beside the dying person.”

This day and age, there is a great deal of wailing over Covid deaths, much more so than any other cause of death. Despite all the collateral damage, Covid has taken center stage. Deaths due to increased suicide, deaths due to increased drug overdoses, and deaths due to all other diseases, whose treatments have been cancelled or postponed to prevent the spread of Covid, are no less tragic, but are not talked about nearly as much as Covid deaths. It is extremely difficult to find reliable data on the number of deaths due to Covid versus the number of excess non-Covid deaths during this pandemic. If the excess non-Covid deaths exceed the deaths due to Covid, then clearly, we, as a society, have done something very wrong, because in the big picture, we have not prevented any deaths; we just replaced some deaths with others, and possibly even increased the total death toll by over-focusing on Covid, keeping in mind that death (mortality) is not the only type of collateral damage. We also need to consider excess non-Covid morbidity (illness) such as the increase in eating disorders and other mental health problems, delayed treatment of illness in general, increased addictions, domestic violence, crime, poverty, and so on. Any excess in mortality (death) or morbidity (illness) societies may have experienced while frantically trying to contain Covid, would be the result of generalized panic, which is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “a sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behaviour.”

I saw this type of panic face to face during a heart-to-heart with my mother-in-law, another nearly nonagenarian, but one who is widowed and lives alone. The panic, however, was not hers. In 2020, my husband and I often tried to convince her to break her isolation by visiting us, but she refused, even at Christmas. Unlike my parents who rejected the Covid restrictions in favour of living, my mother-in-law embraced them to prevent her death. This was not for her own sake, but for the sake of her daughter, who had already lost one parent, and who had expressed great fear over her mother possibly dying, and especially dying alone. Groceries were delivered to her door, conversations were held with masks two meters apart over the threshold, and she never left her apartment for months on end, not even to attend Church, her favourite activity. Needless to say, there was no human physical contact.

My mother-in-law complied to diminish someone else’s fear. She believed the measures were exaggerated but did not want to upset her children, who she imagined would experience her death in a more agonizing way if she died alone and away from them. The thought of this made her cry. So, she put on a brave face and pretended her prolonged isolation wasn’t that bad. She made a tremendous sacrifice, but her already fragile health deteriorated, edging her closer to that which none of us wanted. She lost appetite and strength while her increasing depression morphed into chronic pain. Despite her daughter’s best intentions, a strict imposition of the public “health” measures augmented her mother’s suffering and frailty, ironically edging them both closer towards that which they each feared the most—a lonely mother dying alone.

This is a classic example of the living worrying about the dying and vice versa. Each tries to protect the other from experiencing pain, but when communication breaks down because of fear, more pain results, often followed by guilt. This important point is also part of palliative care counseling, and I am thankful that my sister-in-law realized this and softened her approach.

During the first wave of Covid, my youngest child, in her early twenties, developed a fear of being sick and therefore alone, because of the tragedy that befell our nursing homes. This brought to mind those times my children would get sick when they were young. As all sick children do, mine clung to me like glue, freely sharing whatever oozed from their eyes, mouths, or noses. The universal mom, myself included, embraces her sick child, stroking, hugging, and kissing the ooze, fully aware that in a few days, when her child would be back to normal and jumping on the furniture, she would be nursing the flu in bed. This is the naturally human, maternal response.

“My darling,” I said to my daughter, without even thinking, “if you ended up in ICU with Covid, I would put on my lab coat and my badge and walk right in there and climb into the bed with you. They would not be able to get rid of me because of my exposure to you, and we would quarantine together in ICU.” I had no idea how the ICU staff would really react, but it didn’t matter.

“You’d do that mommy?” she brightened.

“Of course I would, baby.”

And that was the end of it. She believed me because I had done the exact same thing (except for the ICU and climbing-into-bed parts) when my sister was alone in labour in 2003 during SarsCov1. I marched in, covered in PPE from head to toe, and sat with her during my lunch break. There are some advantages to being a doctor. Thankfully, young, healthy people like my daughter don’t typically end up in the ICU due to Covid, but my fearless response to her worry turned out to be the right medicine for my little one.

Does my experience as a practising physician make me an expert on the subject of death and dying? Not really. The real experts on this subject are the dead, but they can’t tell us very much. Lucky for us, there are a few exceptions. In Orthodoxy we have many examples of saints who joyfully died for something far better than this life, and who even encouraged their beloved children to martyr for Christ. Their love for Him surpassed their fear of death. We also have witnessed miracles and personal testimonials of life after death from some individuals who claim to have died and returned back to this life. All of us love these stories but few of us, myself included, can really relate, because we cannot picture ourselves in them. They tend to be the exception rather than the rule. What, therefore, can I offer, as an ordinary and unworthy Orthodox physician, to describe something about death on a more personally experiential level?

I remember intensely fearing death. Even after pronouncing people dead on the wards, I panicked at my first wake as I approached my first open casket. Perhaps it was the casket and the association of being buried in the ground that frightened me, but when I laid eyes on the lifeless body inside, the body of another doctor, I realized instantly that that was not really him. The real him was his life-giving soul, which was no longer there in his body. I had always known that but seeing it for the first time somehow seared it into the memory of my experience. That life had gone somewhere else. and with it went my fear of “six feet under.”

There was another time when I had a panic attack as a patient on a hospital gurney while waiting to be wheeled into the operating room. I had suddenly thought, “What if I have an out-of-body experience? What if something goes wrong and I die?” I was not ready to meet God. Instead of praying for His mercy, I began desperately bargaining with Him. It didn’t help. When I was wheeled in and hooked up, my panic could be clearly heard, rapidly beeping on the monitor. It only subsided when the anaesthetic took over.

At my two-week post-operative appointment, the surgeon asked how I was feeling. I told him the leg felt just fine, but for some reason, I couldn’t get my act together. I felt exhausted and unmotivated, as if the life had been sucked out of me. Even my eyes looked empty and lifeless in the mirror. He said, “Don’t worry about it. This is normal. It’s post-operative depression because you handed over your life and your control into the hands of others who could make mistakes. It’ll pass in a couple of weeks.” And it did, which means it actually was “normal.”

“Wow,” I thought, “you learn something every day.”

The next time I needed surgery, I found myself staring at the OR ceiling, again wondering at all the possible outcomes. This time, I resisted giving into fear and bargaining. Instead, I gave myself and my control completely over to God, glorifying Him for all things. Gratitude felt joyous and freeing, and there was no post-op depression afterwards.

When I contemplate my death, which I find myself doing more and more as the years go by, my mind does not automatically take me back to those surgical experiences. It takes me back to those times I was giving birth to one of my children. I was not actually dying, of course, but it felt as though I was. Each birthing experience was very different, but what stayed the same was what I did not want—the excruciating pain and an audience. Despite the pain, I still chose natural birth to reduce the risk of complications. Under no circumstances, however, did I want an audience—those well-meaning family members, witnessing my pain, comparing it to theirs when they had children, offering advice and cheering me along, as if I was performing some type of athletic feat. Except for the presence of my husband, who suffered along with me, and the seasoned nurse or doctor, who understood, I just wanted privacy. I wanted aloneness.

Being in labour always brought me face to face with the Fall of Humanity. The agonizing curse of labour felt too humbling and humiliating to share, even with those who had already experienced it and meant well. Labour pains entered human history along with Death, which is a blessing from our all-merciful God. Without death, there can be no end to sin and no new Life in Paradise. However, it is a hard and difficult blessing. It reminds me of the joke: Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die. Labour is a type of death, which births new life. Therefore, those birthing pains, those mini deaths that brought the lives of my children into my own life, were both personal and sacred. This is why I did it again and again. My love for my children, even before their conception, surpassed my fears of pain and death. After risking my life to help create new ones, at no time would I want my children to mess up their own lives (with panic-stricken Covid measures, for instance) to save mine.

However, I think the main reason I wanted aloneness during labour was so I could focus, undistracted, on the task at hand. The long hours of painful labour forced me to reconcile with God and resolve my anger over Eve’s curse. For that, I needed every ounce of spiritual strength I could muster. I had no energy or interest in performing so as to not disappoint or to mitigate the anxieties of amateur labour coach so-and-so next to me, when what I really needed was to come out of that agonizing trial on the right side of Faith.

I imagine dying the same way. The more I think about it, the more I prefer to die alone, or at least inconspicuously.  Should I be blessed with the opportunity for Confession, Communion, and having given and received forgiveness, I then imagine aloneness, unburdened from worrying about the needs of anyone around me, while I prepare to meet my Maker. I imagine birthing my soul, in a delivery room of sorts, utterly stripped of every last shred of dignity, completely humbled and humiliated by my ravaged body (like Christ on the Cross), but all in the presence of my merciful Lord for whom my soul yearns, because only He, our Great Physician, can deliver it and wash it in His precious blood.

Christ is Risen!Perhaps this is why every freshly dead corpse I have seen (and I have seen many prior to the work of the embalmer) has a look of awe and joy frozen on its face. Despite the still apparent ravages of the illness that killed them, all of these faces are beautiful to behold. They are like windows into paradise that give me great hope for the future.

It is human to feel afraid. Even Christ felt terrified on the night of His betrayal, but when He faced His fears because of His love for us and willingly died on the Cross, He annihilated Death and gave new Life to the whole world. His suffering was His labour of Love. O Death, where is thy sting? O Hades, where is thy victory? (1 Corinthians 15:55) It is gone forever, lost in the glory of His awesome Resurrection…

Irene Polidoulis MD, CCFP, FCFP – an Orthodox Christian in Canada

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